Oh my aching sides!!

Three Reported Missing After Animal Rights Activists Take

"War on Leather" to Motorcycle Gang Rally.

Johnstown, PA: Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after

reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather

at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered

by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something

just went horribly, horribly, wrong."

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake

blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the

annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in

their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the

biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we

disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and

began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and

shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started

calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

AP Photo curtesy of Kay Johnson

"I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket. And, he...he didn't even care.

I called him a murderer, and all he said was, 'You can't prove that..' Next thing I know is he forced me to

ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and not left me off, because his girl friend was out of town and

I was almost a woman."

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted

were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation,

however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous," said one high ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having

a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names,

and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more

friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we

do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such

nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines,

leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer

declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.

Oh my aching sides!!